Category: For Fathers

Fathers Role Diminishes

When a father is taken into custody and later incarcerated, his role in his family is drastically reduced. During his incarceration, he has few-if any-opportunities to perform his duties as a dad.

After release, he may see how mom and other caregivers filled in for him. During this transition period, dad sees the evidence of how his role has diminished. Some resilient fathers are able to recover their position and status in their families relatively quickly, but others may not fare as well.

Successful reunification can help dad begin to regain his role

When returning fathers and their spouses want reunification to be successful and want to better themselves as a family unit, Building Families Together can help. This is a great starting point to help dad strengthen his role. Our work is specially aimed at improving how couples are impacted by the incarcerated and returning parent. Through our work, we have learned how parental roles and family structures have changed over the past decades and how to support families that have been affected by incarceration.

Despite support being available, many fathers coming home still find it difficult to locate or know how to attend these programs.

In addition to us, there are other organizations in Illinois (where we operate) and in other states that help incarcerated fathers before and after their release and with family reunification. We share how to find some of these services in the list of tips below.

7 Things a Father Returning Home Needs to Know

We have compiled some tips for returning fathers as they take action to regain and strengthen their role in their families.

1. Programs for Families

Locally and nationally there are many programs for families whose lives have been disrupted by incarceration. Many services seek to help persons transition from the life behind bars to freedom. They also have the goal of reducing the risk of returning citizens re-offending. Despite support being available, many fathers coming home still find it difficult to locate these programs or know how to attend these programs. Please contact us for services available in Illinois.

2. Redefine Relationships with Children

The main challenge is to redefine the relationship between the child and father. Months or years have passed; some have learned to do without their fathers. That is why reunification requires an entire process of clarification, negotiations, adjustments and compromises. It is not unusual to find that the children may feel detached from the father. If prisons/jails have implemented parenting programs, the father coming home will understand how to cope with these inevitable acts of coldness from a child who should be delighted to have him back. If the father has not taken these classes the father may be unable to cope properly with these changes. Please reach out to Building Families Together if you or your child need help readjusting.

3. Family Support

The emotion of the father coming home is real but restrained and modest. Their children help them to assume their responsibility. The child brings a breath of fresh air; children breaks the mental image of the prison. We can see that fathers and children support each other, reassure each other and depending on the age of the children, they could also act as breadwinners as their father tries to get back into the family structure and prepares to assume his role of providing for his family. This last one is tough on most dads. However, dad look at it this way…you will see that your child is independent, trustworthy, caring, and a provider. This is a time to be proud of your child not beat yourself up for things that are out of your control.

4. Get help

Always ensure that the agencies that need to, are made aware of the end of your detention. Sharing about your past incarceration ensures that you can receive proper support and resources.

5. Enjoy Life

We encourage fathers coming home to spend time reconnecting with friends and family and with what freedom means to you. Remember to have fun and enjoy life as laughter will help to take your mind off your problems. Take care of yourself and work with your partner or your child’s caregivers to ease into your role on a timeline you both agree on. Don’t feel pressured to get back to your family role before you are ready.

6. Dad…Take Care of Yourself

Most importantly, we remind dads to take care of their own needs:

If you have the means, talk to a therapist about your problems and concerns, then listen to their advice.
Develop a healthy pattern in your life to keep your morale and energy level up.
Adopt an exercise program, eat healthy meals and set a regular sleep schedule. This will help you maintain your strength and focus during a challenging time.

7. Spend quality time with your family

Providing you is the most important thing you can give them at this time. Money will come but you are the one they have been without. So, provide your family with you first and everything else will come.

Father realizing his diminished role and then taking the steps to strengthen his role is a complicated issue and we hope these tips are helpful!

5 Ways to Help Kids Learn What They’re Passionate About

5 Ways to Help Kids Learn What They’re Passionate About
by Linda De Carvalho

For some of us, the hardest thing in life is finding what we love to do while others seem to gravitate towards it naturally. Either way, it’s important to discover what you are most passionate about. Achieving a career path that includes what motivates you can help make your work life worthwhile. If you get paid for what you love to do, you’ve achieved what most people only dream about.

But ask any teenager what he or she is planning to do following graduation and many times you’ll get the response, “I don’t know.” Or talk to college students about their future and you might be surprised at how many have changed their majors and are not sure what they want to do with their degree. Yet, if you ask a child in elementary school, you might get immediate answers like “nurse,” “firefighter,” or “teacher.” These primary school children may be on to something! Or are they responding based on a show or presentation they’ve seen on You Tube, TV, or at school?

According to Deborah Yaffe, College, Careers, and Kindergarten (District Administration), even early learners “can start preparing for life after graduation.” But being ready for the “demands of college and careers,” although equally important, does not necessarily speak to what kind of activities motivates and inspires kids. And as Deborah reminds us in her article, even the experts caution that efforts to meet educational standards should not be void of fun activities and choices.

Can parents or caregivers help children find what they love to do? Here are a few things to try:

Leave your own preferences out of it. Set aside your own preconceived notions about what your children should do! Let them figure out for themselves what motivates them. Have discussions with your children that include their ideas of what they’d like to do now and what they see themselves doing later as grownups.

Skip the labels. Don’t let their gender or personality dictate the type of interests they should pursue. It will help kids to understand themselves better when they learn more about what attracts them, not what is externally expected of them. If your daughter is a tomboy, take her camping! Get them to connect with nature, with people, and with the community.

Explore, explore, explore! Get out of the house and provide your kids with exposure to new and different activities to try. You’ll love the smiles on their faces when they find something they truly enjoy. If they’re good at it is irrelevant. The goal is to find an activity they enjoy. Remember, this is discovery time.

Sign ‘em up! Look for classes, summer camps, interactive museums, and other activities that may inspire your children. Check out the local community centers for starters to find things that might interest them.

Be patient and look on the bright side. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to determine what you love to do, so don’t rush your child. Kids learn at their own pace, so just relax and enjoy the ride! And don’t be surprised if they change their minds along the way. What they love to do this week, may be what they hate next week.

One thing is for sure, as children try to find what they love to do, they’ll also figure out what they don’t want to do in life and that’s just as important.

No Perfect Dads – Just Heroes

No Perfect Dads – Just Heroes!
by Linda De Carvalho

You might say that we were the reason dad’s ugly side came out! It happened in a car on the road to grandma’s house My brother and I continued to try his patience by making loud and obnoxious noises from the back seat. We shouted instead of singing songs that were playing on the radio, argued over license plates, and continuously asked dad the age-old question, “are we there yet?” from the back seat. Being only two and a half years apart, we were very competitive and full of never-ending energy. That day, my dad had reached his boiling point. After yelling for us to stop, he finally pulled the car over, turned off the engine, and proceeded to shout, “STOP FOOLING AROUND BACK THERE. STOP IT NOW!” He continued yelling, “I’m not driving another mile until you STOP!” We were stunned. After all, that’s not what a perfect dad would do!

But should striving to be the perfect dad ever be the goal? Let’s all be honest and recognize that the perfect dad as seen on some old TV shows doesn’t really exist. These are actors who are given scripts with predetermined words to say, which always seem to be the right thing to say. And of course, these TV dads always do the right thing—well maybe eventually. But today’s real-life dads by all accounts are not perfect. Except for fiction, the idea of being a father without flaws is just a fairy tale and not real life.

I’m sure we can all agree that being a parent is no easy feat. And as everyone knows, kids don’t come with instructions. Many parents just duplicate what their parents did or read how-to guide books, while others just play it by ear. Either way, today’s challenges make being a parent difficult. Although moms justifiably feel like they have it the worst, dads feel like they have it just as bad and struggle to find that special moment with their kids amid the daily chaos. Dads feel like they need to save the day and be the hero—but that’s easier said than done.

On the other hand, finding a magic hero-like moment can be a realistic goal and something worth striving for. It’s personal, between you and your child. Real-life heroes are unique and don’t need to wear a uniform or mask. And they don’t need to scale a high rise. So, what does it take to be your child’s hero? Real heroes just need to know what matters most to a kid. Getting to know your child is a good starting point. What is his or her favorite flavor of ice cream? What is his or her favorite time of the day? What is his or her favorite subject in school? If you think you already know the answers, talk it over together anyway. Listen carefully. And remember that dads don’t have to always have the right answer, the right clothes, or the right job—dads just need to try. After all, heroes don’t come with instructions. Heroes just create those special moments, find quality time, and interact with their children.

Still not sure how to be a hero? Science aside, we were all kids once, so think back when you were a child. Try to remember that one magical moment when your dad, your grandfather, your uncle, or other person made you feel special. It can be such a simple and seemingly insignificant speck in time that stayed with you and still makes you smile today. Maybe it was a hug after you lost an important game. Or maybe you were held close when it started to rain just to keep you warm. It could have been a football pass in the front yard meant just for you. Or telling jokes together when you were feeling sick. Maybe it was a game that you loved and your hero played it with you when no one else would. Whatever it was, that special time in your life can be duplicated with your child! If you can find that special moment in your past, you can recreate it. Sounds hard but being a hero isn’t easy!

Oh, if you’re wondering how the trip to grandma’s turned out, our hero (dad) ended up grabbing our favorite ice cream on the way there—definitely a hero moment!

A Man’s Guide to Fatherhood-Parenting

Parenting
by Building Families Together

When it comes to parenting, any man can become a father, but it takes someone special to be one. Breaking away from parenting stereotypes, the father, not just the mother, should play a significant role in parenting a child. Fatherhood sounds like too much work, but it isn’t – it’s just like being a manager in a small company. There are so many parenting articles out there that educate us on how mothers should be solely responsible for raising a child, but not enough articles are written for giving proper advice to the male counterparts of that which are fathers. We have to admit, some men may be clueless about raising a child, because men are supposed to do the bread-winning. These days, the mother can be the sole financial supporter of the family, resulting in a dedicated father when it comes to parenting.

Stereotypes

We’ve all heard of the story of the teenager, who abused illegal substances and participated in promiscuous activities, and the reasons for many of these teenagers are the same – they never knew what it was like to have a father. Studies show that a child brought up by both the mother and the father result in the child’s better and balanced decisions later: the mother provides the gentleness and compassion while the father provides the discipline and a solid foundation of dignity and pride.

There are already too many father stereotypes that should be put down, like how fathers care more about having fun than parenting. First, it is never good to assume that fathers are incapable of providing the love and care a mother provides. If it were the case, then most fathers would not be supporting their children at all. Second, fun can and should always be incorporated into parenting.

That’s why we have the BatDad and The DadLab, fathers who found a way to make child-rearing fun. And no, a stay-at-home dad is not a sign of declined masculinity. Fathers who choose to stay and raise their child are more likely to be considered macho than those who avoid fatherhood. Props to all the dads out there who chose the poop-wiping, bath-battling club! So, if you are a father, and you choose to hand-raise your child, pat yourself on the back because not all men choose this line of work, and believe me, it is rewarding.

Fathers

Mothers have a built-in or instinctual method when it comes to parenting. Fathers have a slightly different way of doing things, and not all motherly methods can or should be applied by the dads. Here are some parenting tips for all you brave fathers out there, because we know, it sure ain’t a walk in the park:

Make every activity fun. From changing diapers, to bathing, to feeding your kids, make sure to add some fun factors – pretend a used nappy is a basketball and shoot it in the bin, join the bath and pretend you’re pirates, or occasionally order some pizza when mommy’s not around.

Discipline need not be enforced with sternness. You can always make learning a fun objective. If your child needs to learn how to put their toys away after using them, make it another game! Get a kitchen timer, set it to 60 seconds, and then see how fast your kid can pack up.

Don’t forget the rewards! If you set the kids to a task, make sure to reward them in a small way. You don’t have to buy expensive toys to do this. A reward can be like a visit to the park or simply giving them their favorite snack.

A little organization always helps. If you’re at home 24/7, set a schedule for things you need to be done. Involve the kids in tasks that they can manage. Also remember to set time for naps so you can rest too. Watching the kids is not only physically draining, but psychologically as well.

Always be the example. Your child hates or complains about cleaning up. In most cases, this is what the child observes from people around him. Lazily doing the dishes, or frowning while cleaning up a mess is something that we don’t always notice, but the child does. If you want your child to grow up to be disciplined, you have to be, too.

Don’t forget the wife. Raising kids isn’t the easiest of tasks, but you have to give time to your wife too. Another important parenting tip is to always involve everyone in the family when it comes to activities done at home. At dinner, talk to your wife. Tell her you love her. Play some outdoor games or have a grill on the weekends. Don’t be ashamed to embrace. Your child will surely grow up to be a kind person, seeing how you value each and every one in the family.
Let’s take away all those misconceptions about being a hands-on father.

It won’t be easy at first, but it sure will be once you get the hang of it. Compared to mothers, fathers are always the parents who are more fun (sorry mommies!) And let us not forget those fathers who raise their kids solely. It is one thing to be raising a child on their own because the mommy goes to work, but it is another thing to be a single parent. Whether it be a mother or a father, being a single parent is tough.

How To Help

If you know a single father (or mother), lend a hand whenever you can. If you’re really supportive, you can donate to Building Families Together, or other non-profits websites that aid single parents all around the world. As much as single mothers need help, you’ll never know when a single father might need some too.