Tips-Incarcerated Father

Whenever a father is taken into custody, it’s the child who suffers the most. There are many studies about incarcerated fathers and the issues children face when dad is no longer in the home. Childhood is a crucial period of learning, bonding and creating. Trauma due to the father’s arrest and incarceration can lead to unhealthy habits. Children look up to their fathers. When he isn’t around, we find that the child can be easily be led to unhealthy behavior. As a result, we at Building Families Together, believe that a father’s absence can deprive children of many positive life lessons.

The responsibility for a child’s growth and development is passed to the family and teachers. We feel that special attention is required in order for a child to be on the positive side of society. In fact, many of the posts in our blog focus on these kinds of issues. In this post, we will examine how family and teachers can work together to raise a child with an incarcerated father.

The Family and Teachers Must Communicate

Communication between the family and teachers or at least one school official e.g. counselor, social worker, principal, or vice principal is a must. It is important to know how the child behaves at both home and school to understand the child’s struggles and emotional needs. The child will need a great deal of attention and both groups can support each other positively.

Simple Actions Teachers Can Take

Schools can offer a lot to a child with an incarcerated parent, here are some things teachers can do:

Praise little things such asthe completion of an assignments and can offer books to help with personal development.
Keep tabs on the child in a protective way, for example, if the child is being bullied in school,a teacher can take the correct action to prevent bullying.
Create a good positive and supportive environment for a child will help them to cope, learn and grow.

Adults Must Think Before Speaking

Any responsible adult must think about their use of words in the presence of a child. Things not meant intentionally can hurt a child’s feeling during these hard times. Instead, use positive words to encourage and boost the child’s self-esteem.

Education and Extracurricular Activities Help

Education is and has always been a help for a child’s cognitive growth. Reading positive books about inspiring gurus like Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi and Muhammad Ali can help broaden a child’s perspective and help their personality develop.

Encourage the child to participate in extracurricular activities. The child will have the opportunity to learn teamwork, leadership and social awareness. In many cases, the child is motivated to find purpose in life through these kinds of activities. This is a good sign.

Friends For Company

This is a hard time for children and having the company of other children is great because it can keep them socially involved. In addition, friends with similar interests will have a positive impact by helping kids in doing what they love the most.

Our Beliefs

We believe that every child is a blessing, and the upbringing of every child should be society’s main concern. Children are the future of our nation and they can move mountains if they are nurtured accordingly.

Our organization works on projects to deliver educational materials to the children who have an incarcerated father. We also give guidance to children and their families. We believe in helping families to live through this extremely difficult situation. Please contact us if you have any questions.

Losing Your Father

Losing your father to incarceration is a traumatic event. It’s completely understandable that you may be struggling to cope with negative feelings from the ordeal. Handling your emotions may feel overwhelming in the face of an uncertain future. You are not alone. Through this blog post, we hope that we have put into words what you are feeling and also provide you with support options while your father is incarcerated.

Feeling Negative Emotions

Discovering that your father has, or is going to be, incarcerated is extremely upsetting.

If you feel panic and anxiety upon hearing the news, realize that this is a perfectly normal response.
It is perfectly normal to feel anger or uncertainty about your future.
Losing your father, for any period of time might be all you think about for a long time. This dominant thought might color your perceptions about your life and anything else happening around you.
When you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, you might lose sleep, your energy may drop, and you may feel depressed.
Remember that what is happening is not your fault. You have no control over the behavior of your father and cannot hold yourself responsible for the results of his actions.

As your feelings of panic, anxiety, fear and anger arise, close your eyes and breathe deeply. Create a chant that you can silently repeat to yourself such as, my father’s incarceration is not my fault. I am in control of my thoughts and emotions! Repeat it to yourself whenever you feel rising levels of negative emotions. This will help steady your resolve and clear your mind.

Feeling Concern for your Father

It is natural for you to feel concern and fear for your father’s safety while he is incarcerated. It is important to realize that you have absolutely no control over the prison system. However, you do have control over your mental state. Create another mantra to repeat to yourself when you become anxious about your father’s well-being. Find ways to stay in touch with your father. Write how you are feeling and send him letters if possible or give them to him when he is released. This will be helpful to both of you.

Dealing with Bullies

Other children can be mean. If you are being bullied, take action to stop it before things get out of hand. Speak to an adult that you trust. You do not deserve to be bullied and your future is determined by you, not what other people say about you.

Finding Support

Losing your father to incarceration is not easy, but it does not have to be hard for you either. We are all blessed with challenge and support in our lives, they are key factors to our personal growth. Your father’s imprisonment does not demean you as a person. The people close to you will understand this as well and bear no judgment on you for your father’s actions. Ask your family and friends for support if you are struggling to cope with loneliness.

Fathers Role Diminishes

When a father is taken into custody and later incarcerated, his role in his family is drastically reduced. During his incarceration, he has few-if any-opportunities to perform his duties as a dad.

After release, he may see how mom and other caregivers filled in for him. During this transition period, dad sees the evidence of how his role has diminished. Some resilient fathers are able to recover their position and status in their families relatively quickly, but others may not fare as well.

Successful reunification can help dad begin to regain his role

When returning fathers and their spouses want reunification to be successful and want to better themselves as a family unit, Building Families Together can help. This is a great starting point to help dad strengthen his role. Our work is specially aimed at improving how couples are impacted by the incarcerated and returning parent. Through our work, we have learned how parental roles and family structures have changed over the past decades and how to support families that have been affected by incarceration.

Despite support being available, many fathers coming home still find it difficult to locate or know how to attend these programs.

In addition to us, there are other organizations in Illinois (where we operate) and in other states that help incarcerated fathers before and after their release and with family reunification. We share how to find some of these services in the list of tips below.

7 Things a Father Returning Home Needs to Know

We have compiled some tips for returning fathers as they take action to regain and strengthen their role in their families.

1. Programs for Families

Locally and nationally there are many programs for families whose lives have been disrupted by incarceration. Many services seek to help persons transition from the life behind bars to freedom. They also have the goal of reducing the risk of returning citizens re-offending. Despite support being available, many fathers coming home still find it difficult to locate these programs or know how to attend these programs. Please contact us for services available in Illinois.

2. Redefine Relationships with Children

The main challenge is to redefine the relationship between the child and father. Months or years have passed; some have learned to do without their fathers. That is why reunification requires an entire process of clarification, negotiations, adjustments and compromises. It is not unusual to find that the children may feel detached from the father. If prisons/jails have implemented parenting programs, the father coming home will understand how to cope with these inevitable acts of coldness from a child who should be delighted to have him back. If the father has not taken these classes the father may be unable to cope properly with these changes. Please reach out to Building Families Together if you or your child need help readjusting.

3. Family Support

The emotion of the father coming home is real but restrained and modest. Their children help them to assume their responsibility. The child brings a breath of fresh air; children breaks the mental image of the prison. We can see that fathers and children support each other, reassure each other and depending on the age of the children, they could also act as breadwinners as their father tries to get back into the family structure and prepares to assume his role of providing for his family. This last one is tough on most dads. However, dad look at it this way…you will see that your child is independent, trustworthy, caring, and a provider. This is a time to be proud of your child not beat yourself up for things that are out of your control.

4. Get help

Always ensure that the agencies that need to, are made aware of the end of your detention. Sharing about your past incarceration ensures that you can receive proper support and resources.

5. Enjoy Life

We encourage fathers coming home to spend time reconnecting with friends and family and with what freedom means to you. Remember to have fun and enjoy life as laughter will help to take your mind off your problems. Take care of yourself and work with your partner or your child’s caregivers to ease into your role on a timeline you both agree on. Don’t feel pressured to get back to your family role before you are ready.

6. Dad…Take Care of Yourself

Most importantly, we remind dads to take care of their own needs:

If you have the means, talk to a therapist about your problems and concerns, then listen to their advice.
Develop a healthy pattern in your life to keep your morale and energy level up.
Adopt an exercise program, eat healthy meals and set a regular sleep schedule. This will help you maintain your strength and focus during a challenging time.

7. Spend quality time with your family

Providing you is the most important thing you can give them at this time. Money will come but you are the one they have been without. So, provide your family with you first and everything else will come.

Father realizing his diminished role and then taking the steps to strengthen his role is a complicated issue and we hope these tips are helpful!

Silent Heroes

Experts agree that successfully raising a child requires the presence of both parents. There are many reasons why a parent is not available during their children’s life an each reason affects the child differently. In this post we review the impact when a child has an incarcerated father. We also share how the mother’s role also changes as she is now a silent hero.

Awareness of What is Happening

We recommend that the child finds out about the father’s incarceration from the mother and not anyone else. Tell the child in a manner appropriate to their age. It is never an excellent choice to keep the child in the dark because they will eventually have questions that need to be answered.

The Emotional Toll

Forced separation disrupts the bond between father and child and research shows that this life change can damage the child’s physical and emotional well-being. From studies, we know that children of incarcerated fathers will be feeling fear, confusion, loss, shame, aggression and anger.

Feelings of confusion, loss, shame and anger do not mean that mom is failing. She is in a very difficult role providing support for the entire family. For everyone involved, coping is still tough. We consider her to be a silent hero facing different demands and needs from her children. We turned the image above into a cheat sheet for mom and included additional resources. Download it here.

Coping with emotions – tips for our silent heroes

We have tips to share with moms on how they can be successful in their role as silent heroes.

1. Maintain the relationship with the incarcerated father

Keeping ties with the incarcerated father is essential to successful family reunification. It also helps with maintaining the child’s bond with their father. Encourage your child to keep a healthy relationship with their father given that this helps both father and child. Depending on their age, the child may understand their father’s situation and the consequences.

2. Watch out for substance abuse

Mothers are dealing with their own difficult emotions. Reaching for drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism is easy, but we ask mothers to be brave, courageous and strong for the sake of their families and stay away from drugs and alcohol as we know this behavior eventually causes more harm than good.

3. Join a Support Group

There are many on Facebook and there may be some in your area. There are many supportive people out there. We understand no one ever wants to join the “I lost my spouse” club. Fortunately when you do, you’ll find that these are the people you needed in your life and they came at the perfect time.

These are the people who will set their cell phone to a different ringer for you, so they absolutely won’t miss your call at 2 a.m. They will let you curse like a sailor and say every other word because life is just not fair anymore. And, they let you still be upset a month, a year, even ten years from now.

4. Pamper Yourself

Yes, do something for you! This is so important that you don’t get so far in the dumps you forget how important you are. Plus if you can’t take care of yourself you will find it extremely difficult to effectively take are of anyone else, including your children, right? So what can you do even if you are on a budget?

Give yourself an Indian head massage
Find an awesome deal on a massage or facial
Write in a journal
Buy yourself a special treat at the grocery store
Give yourself a DIY pedicure
Put together a bouquet there’s something about fresh flowers in the house
Connect with good friends

Moms what other suggestions can you give to help each other out? We would love to hear from you.

Building Families Together offers several programs to support incarcerated individuals and their families. If you want more information on our services, check out our Services page of our website. If you have questions about what we shared in this post and about our services, please use our Building Families Together contact form. You can also email us at connect@buildingfamiliestogether.org or call (630) 465-4268. Connect with us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram through the links at the top of this page.

Your Are Not Alone

Changes in the child’s life

A child with an incarcerated parent faces significant life changes. The best scenario in this difficult situation, is continuing to live at home with only one parent to care for them.

The reality for some children can be more overwhelming as they may end up with different living arrangements.

Through the insights, tips and other resources we share in this post, we want to remind children in this situation that they are not alone.

How are kids feeling

A child who has an incarcerated parent may feel very emotional. In turn, many don’t know how to cope with the situation. However, children with a support network can turn anger, shame, lack of confidence, and grief into resilience and hope for the future.

Note For Parents And Caregivers

To cope with the changes, many children with incarcerated parents will want to do what they feel is right. Owning how they deal with change feels empowering to them.

Children with a support network to turn to can change anger, shame, lack of confidence and grief into resilience and hope for the future.

Tips for kids

RIGHT NOW

Take a break: If you try to power through the frustration it will only leave you more stressed.
Go outside: Changing your surroundings can help reduce your stress.
Take deep breaths: This one is so simple and so effective, it’s a shame more of us don’t breathe to reduce stress. Here is a link to breathing exercises (includes a printable link): https://childhood101.com/fun-breathing-exercises-for-kids/

HELPFUL HABITS

Exercise: Regular exercise can help your brain better deal with stress. Here is a link to a cool workout from Arthur from PBS Kids: http://pbskids.org/arthur/health/fitness/workout-time.html
Meditate: Tap into your inner monk. Meditation can take many forms. Simply doing light stretching, deep breathing, Yoga, or Tai Chi can help. Here’s a helpful link on meditation from The Chopra Center: https://chopra.com/articles/3-kid-friendly-meditations-your-children-will-love

PROCESS YOUR THOUGHTS OVER TIME

Keep a diary: Record your thoughts and feelings, this can benefit you in many ways. As you journal, you will grow your writing skills. When you are reunited with your parent, you can share with them what you experienced. A diary helps you to reflect on your day and your life and this is a proven technique to help us overcome stressful situations.
Write the questions you have: Write down all the questions you have and start to work through them slowly. If you can, ask the adults in your life for help in answering your questions. Here is a template you can use.
Seek advice: Sometimes it is important to seek advice instead of doing it alone.

DISCOVER YOU

Think outside the box: Don’t shut down and shut out life. Challenge yourself to participate in different activities and learn new things. Open your mind to new (and positive!) experiences.
Find a creative outlet: Trying new things means that you can find ways to express how you feel. Creative classes at school, sports, church and community activities can help you to express your feelings and channel your energy positively.

Kids, here is a printable list of these tips for you to download and print out. When you feel overwhelmed with the changes you are facing, take a few moments to read these tips, then select one to help you refocus.

Reunification of Husband

Returning Home

Families of the incarcerated look forward to the release date but reunification isn’t always smooth and easy. In this post, we discuss the challenges wives face when husbands are released and provide tips to overcome them.

Two factors contribute to the challenges the wife faces. One is difficult past experiences with her husband and the other is her expanded role in the family during his incarceration.

To reunite successfully, the couple should understand that things have changed and they themselves are now different people. Their family too has changed as children grow older. Husband and wife will have to renegotiate their roles in the family and if they are not on the same page, reunification may not be successful.

Challenges

Communication: While he is in prison, the couple will need to work together to maintain their relationship as a couple. Staying in communication will be a challenge for both, but especially for the wife who now has more on her plate.

Wife’s role is now bigger: With her husband away, the wife has to care for her children and their home, in most cases, alone. She needs to make decisions without the support of her partner. Mom also is now the sole person responsible for the preservation, strengthening and ultimate growth of the family. She is taking on a lot and this makes her a stronger mother and braver person in general.

Husband’s role is now less: In prison, her husband is in a new environment with different rules and its own challenges. He is no longer providing for the physical needs of his family and can no longer provide emotional support in the way he was used to.

Preparing for reunification

Reunification as a goal: Preparing for reunification should start from the time of incarceration. If possible, the couple should agree to work towards reunification. This helps them to look to the future. It would lessen the pain of separation, even if incarceration is lengthy.

Keeping the family together: Incarceration can be stressful for the children and mom maintains the family while the father is incarcerated, by nurturing the mental and emotional health of the children.

When dad returns, the entire family can focus on reunifying as the family has persevered and grown positively. If she is successful in keeping the family strong, the issues that may occur at reunification will be less.

After the husband’s return

Practice patience and listen: The couple should remember their experiences during the husband’s incarceration were very different. Patience is needed to learn what each other went through and it may be very difficult to talk through the experiences.

Communicate: As a couple, they may need to relearn how to communicate. Carving out time to reconnect away from family and friends after he comes home to give yourselves time to reunite.

Manage expectations: Both husband and wife may have different expectations of what happens after reunification as life is now different. Before reunification, counseling is helpful to prepare the couple and the family. Having conversations about the future helps to manage expectations.

Take time to adjust: The husband will need time to adjust to life outside of prison. It might be very different on the outside depending on the length of incarceration. Kids will be older and they are going to need special time to reconnect with their dad.

Renegotiate roles: For the wife, the change of role after reunification may be the biggest challenge. Her responsibilities when her comes home will change because now it will be a shared partnership once again. More importantly, her husband will be relearning his role in the family, and compromises will be key as the couple readjusts to being a family unit.

When reunification isn’t desirable

Some families completely sever contacts with the incarcerated person for reasons like moral issues around incarceration or domestic abuse. Reunification is sometimes undesirable but the father may have the right to a relationship with his children. Go to the National Domestic Violence hotline for help or call 1-800-799-7233.

Do you you need more information about family reunification support in Illinois? Do you have questions about what we shared in this post? Please use our Building Families Together contact form. You can also email us at connect@buildingfamiliestogether.org or call (630) 465-4268. Connect with us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram through the links at the top of this page. Find out more about our Fatherhood Reentry Program on our Services page of our website.

Reentry Support

An Earnest Look At The Success Reentry Support Groups Can Provide.
by Earnell Brown

Taking an earnest look at what reentry support groups are and the honest and open communication that is necessary to make them effective tools for returning citizens is absolutely necessary.

There are three key tools that can reach the returning citizen that we are missing in the current reentry support industry.

One, Experience, the key that tells the returning citizen that they are (a) not alone and someone has been there before, (b) that change is possible and is within their grasp if they want it and are willing to work for it.

Two, Strength, the key that tells the returning citizen (a) that they too can succeed in spite of the odds or their perception it can be done by them and (b) that there is support and the support is real honest and trustworthy.

Three, Hope, the key that (a) has awaken the spirit of success and possibility in the returning citizen and (b) keeps the returning citizen thriving once the possibility awakes in them and they realize that they can succeed and never have to be a prisoner or subjected to the punitive control of another ever again.

The experience based success, freedom and relief reentry support groups can provide.

The experience based opportunities for success and freedom reentry support groups can provide is invaluable in the successful transition of a person from prison to society. Many individuals returning to society after incarceration are very fearful of returning to prison, failing at being a productive member of society or doing it all for nothing.

Many of these individuals have had very traumatic life experiences or have very poor self esteem regardless of their confidence in their criminal behavior and methods and cannot make it without the strength and support of another person who has.

There is no substitute for a reintegration success story like one that shows and asks the participant by the walk of another to “Look where I was, where I am, and asks how I can help you get through to here.” This is the Common experience based support that then gives the opportunity to provide the second of the three key tools.

The strength that safe and productive environments and reentry support groups provide.

The Strength that safe and productive environments with an atmosphere of honesty open-mindedness willingness and success that has a familiar story and face is also an invaluable tool that cannot be substituted because it provides strength.

Society for someone coming from a prison or jail in a seemingly endless and vicious cycle of prison or jail, failures, disappointments, disillusionment and disenchantment can be very scary.

Potentially facing now that very same seemingly hostile society whose underbelly the person is intimately familiar with cannot be faced alone with any expectation of success from the individual or society itself.

Insecurity, previous personal attempts at meaningful and successful reintegration and the collectively insurmountable seemingly singular actual barriers and odds are all a person who has no real connection to a positive and productive face or feature of society can see. With the support of others who have overcome all of this the returning citizen can now put together and see how it can be done.

The hope and resources re-entry support groups provide.

Reentry support groups through the open and honest conversations, tools and rectification of intrinsic and extrinsic negative influences provide hope.

The actual existence of real and working resources for educational opportunities, meaningful employment opportunities, and housing opportunities are critical resources. Development through group resources, activities and support, in personal areas such as the development of familial acceptance, support and positively motivated respect are high value intrinsic motivators that the returning citizen gain back through participation in reentry support group activities. Community involvement and inclusion is important.

Opportunities with the hope that they will work provides earnest and honest desires for the participant based on new and positive intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. Thus true hope for a better and brighter future is born for the participant.

Potential impact of reentry support groups.

Reentry support groups are invaluable and underutilized tools that can actually be the difference in crime reduction efforts and the corresponding statistics, lower recidivism rates, lower numbers in new offenses among recidivists, safer communities and more effective uses of human and financial resources in the reentry industry.

Giving returning citizens a reason to care is critical to the development of a better and safer tomorrow.

While Dad’s Away

While Dad’s Away…
by Linda De Carvalho

Time clicks slowly while dad’s away, especially if he is gone for an extended period of time. Days, weeks, months, and years without dad can make life difficult for the family. Alone as head of the household, mom is left to meet the needs of her children, pay the bills, do the shopping, and possibly find work.

Although this sounds like a tall order, there are single parents who accomplish these feats every day. Of course, that doesn’t make the struggle any easier. Running things at home as a single parent is a challenge and you’ll need all the help you can get. Here are some things to consider as you take on this huge responsibility:

Be the rock. If you find yourself alone raising the kids without dad, it’s important to remember that they need to feel secure. Having a solid foundation under their feet is critical. If they know you will always be there, they will be better prepared to weather any storm. Find ways to show the kids that they are not alone. Whenever possible, show up at practice or the big game. Or send a note in their lunch to be found and read later in the day. Tell them how much you love them, how much they mean to you, and that you will always be there.
Accept the challenge and make a list. Like it or not, you have a big job to do and you will need to be in the right frame of mind to get it done. No one expects perfection in life’s daily arena, so just do the best you can. Start with making a list of all the things that need to be done daily, weekly, monthly, and so on. Keep the list handy so you can refer to it often. If you are a techie, create the list on your smart phone, and if you need to, set alarms to remind you of the tasks.
Get help! Rally together family and friends to lend a hand when you need it most. Kids can be especially helpful for small jobs around the house like emptying the trash, sweeping the floor, folding clothes, etc. You can also find local and online resources to help you with finances, support groups, and more. For example, here are a couple of websites to check out that provide lots of resources: Building Families Together and this government website.
Keep the lines of communications open. If you don’t already do this, begin holding a family meeting weekly. Bring the kids together to talk about their needs and how you and their siblings can help. After all, you are all in this together and you will need to keep a united front to support each other in any way possible. And don’t just talk about problems. Maybe invite each family member to bring a new joke to each meeting to loosen up any tensions. Use meeting time to discuss how the family can have fun together or plan a fun activity during the meeting that they can all participate in like playing a game or making cookies.
Keep the family busy. Children will feel a void while dad’s away and will appreciate and benefit from activities that are fun and teach them something at the same time. Encourage the kids to play sports or sign up them up at your local parks and recreation center for other activities that help reinforce the values of working together and teamwork.

Above all, be good to yourself! Stay away from negative people who can make your journey harder. You’ll be happier and better off finding positive folks to share ideas and a cup of coffee. Finally, don’t expect too much from yourself on any given day.

Daddy’s Home

Daddy’s Home!
by Linda De Carvalho

Coming home from incarceration may be as challenging as surviving the prison sentence itself. In many ways, it’s starting all over again. And just like adjusting to the prison system, going home will require a readjustment to an environment that may not be as familiar as it used to be. Of course, reentry into society may take much longer to prepare for, especially when considering things such as finding work, parole issues, overcoming discrimination and biases, acting independently, staying healthy, and staying clear of trouble.

Like their loved ones who have been released from prison, families will also find themselves having to make some readjustments when dad returns home. Kids may have dreams or issues about what it will be like that special day when they finally get to share a meal, have a talk, or just sit with dad on the couch. Seemingly routine, these moments may represent some of the biggest and most significant for a family whose head has just returned from months or years of jail time. But it won’t be easy.

Families who are struggling with how to cope with an upcoming return of an incarcerated family member may need to seek external help depending on their individual situation. But one thing is for sure, they shouldn’t wait until the last minute to figure out what to do. Preparation for dad’s return should begin sooner rather than later. How soon prepping for the big day may vary depending on each family’s individual circumstances but should begin as soon as possible. That said, the family will need to recognize that dad’s return will not be free of negative emotions that can surface in the form of arguments, the blame game, anger, resentment, and more.

Here are some thoughts about what the family may do to help prepare themselves and dad for his return:

1. Mental preparation. – Getting used to any idea, especially a big change, can take a long time. The sooner family members start thinking about dad’s return the better. Seek advice from your child’s teacher to determine how soon to tell the youngest members of the family.

2. Family discussions. Open the door to regular family discussions to help sort out feelings of all family members. Talking about the event before it happens can help everyone in the household feel more secure about dad’s return. But be prepared to answer uncomfortable questions and seek professional advice when necessary.

3. Positive environment. Helping to create a positive environment may be easier said than done. Get the kids involved in projects like making a welcome banner, cooking a special homecoming meal, creating a special card, etc. that will help reunite the family and move emotions and expectations in the right direction.

4. Keep expectations of the big day realistic. Although the family may be flying high about dad’s return, he may not be sharing the same feelings. After all, he has quite a lot to deal with in the upcoming months, if not years, trying to acclimate to being a free man, reuniting with his family, getting a job, meeting parole requirements and more. He may not be ready to celebrate.

5. Keep conflicts in check. The stress of returning to society is real for dad and will take a while for him to get used to settling back in. Family support is critical. Dad, of course, will need to do his part by staying away from issues that could cause family conflict, like returning to drugs or crime. On the other hand, family members should recognize and support his efforts to do the best he can during his struggles.

And don’t forget to find ways to help dad with his return. Join support groups who can share their experiences and give you sound advice. Find government materials and special programs that help provide support for the family and the returning parent. Follow nonprofit organizations like Building Families Together on Facebook or Twitter who are advocates for prisoners and their return to society. The more prepared you are, the better the results.

Parents’ Guide to Handling Chaos

Parents’ Guide to Handling Chaos
by Linda De Carvalho

Today’s families are crazy busy! They complain that their time is maxed out and don’t know how they will get everything done. It’s difficult to find a day that doesn’t have a packed schedule filled with work, school, sports, homework, and many other activities that can strain relationships and dig into quality time together. Parents find themselves wearing many hats as they run around at lightning speed acting as taxi drivers, coaches, tutors, maids, mediators, referees, personal shoppers, and so much more. As time gets tight and things get rushed or forgotten, the pressure mounds on family members and chaos begins. It’s no wonder that tempers flare, fights break out, and tears flow.

Mom and dads have always had too much to do. But let’s get real, times are different now. Gone are the days that we might find neighborhood kids playing a leisurely baseball game in an empty lot as mom spends hours on a home cooked meal. Today’s challenges seem to escalate as family members push and pull to equalize the time devoted to their own various and seemingly endless needs. That’s when it can get real ugly, emotions run high, and chaos takes over.

Here are a few tips to help manage the chaos and give you the confidence to say, “I got this!”:

Realize that chaos is normal. Every family has its share of madness from time to time. Whether someone forgot to walk the dog, somebody left a trail of muddy footprints all over the house, or a guilty party ate all the brownies for the open house—stuff happens. Learn to accept that reality so that when it happens, you’ll be more in control.
Take a step back. Once you feel the pot of emotions are about to boil and the kids start yelling at each other, stop and observe. Don’t find yourself being a part of the shouting match and arguing points back and forth, which only escalates the tension.
Establish rules for fighting. Truth be told, sometimes it’s best to let all parties let their feelings out and try to “discuss” the issues. Just make sure there are rules to follow that are designed to respect each other’s perceptions and that allows all parties to express themselves without fear of ridicule. For example, one effective rule is to not allow any name calling or personal insults that have no bearing on the discussion. Make family members stay on topic, give examples, and offer a reasonable solution. And don’t forget to enforce the “no interruption” rule.
Divide and conquer. When things are too hot to handle, it may be best to stop the boxing match and separate the fighters! Suggest kids go to their room to cool down before making any decisions. Talk to each of them separately to learn what’s really bothering them and to help formulate next steps, if any.
Think positive. Challenge family members to find the silver lining and what good can come of the obstacle/issue they’re facing. You may be surprised at what comes from the power of positive thinking.
Remember your role. Sometimes being a parent is no fun. But being a parent is critical to keeping a family household in order. Resist the temptation of being “too cool” and trying to be your children’s friend as this can blur the lines of authority and confuse your kids. But that doesn’t mean you can’t play games, read together, sing and dance, or just have a good laugh. Just be sure your words and actions are consistent with being a parent.
Plan to make time. In order to have time set aside for anything, you will have to plan for it. You may have to sacrifice another activity, like going to the gym, to bring the family together and do something meaningful. Maybe you want to plan a time to do crafts together to help decorate the house for the upcoming season. Or maybe just getting out of the house and finding a wonderful place to hike together will help family members enjoy each other’s company. Whatever you do, you’ll create memories of a lifetime while you’re at it! The idea is to break away from the hectic routine of daily life to allow family members to bond in the experience.
Have fun! When appropriate, try to make light of situations when the going gets tough. Is there a joke in there somewhere? Remember that laughing out loud is good for the body and the soul.

As a parent, you may have tips of your own to add to this list! Exploring the options of how best to deal with a family crisis ahead of time will make you and your family more prepared to deal with the chaos.